PASSAGES

by Mayrann Turner

there

After graduating from college, I packed my bags and went home to a dying town: were no jobs and no future for Blacks. of the younger generation had already left.

Most

Things had not changed at home. Daddy was still getting drunk, gambling away his paycheck, and threatening Mama. I was in a constant state of turmoil.

Weeks of searching for a job proved futile until finally one day the principal from the junior high school called to inform me that I had been selected as a substitute teacher. was desperate for money, so I accepted.

I

My first day as a substitute was for the chorus instructor. Needless to say, I knew nothing about singing--afterall, my degrees

were

in zoology and microbiology. Fortunately for all involved, there was a record player with records, and the teacher was only ill two days.

was

the

I were the

I next substituted in girl's P.E. This job to have been more secure because instructor was on maternity leave for at least a Now, and Mama year. guaranteed some financial security: first in a long time. However, after that first class with all those screaming little girls and all those hard little exercises, I knew that I was not cut out to be a P.E. teacher (I had never done anything more athletic than walk to school). But I had to try because nothing else was available and because Mama needed me. I had begun to see myself as her only ray of sunshine in a dark situation; her only way out.

After two weeks of pretending to be happy, I had to admit to myself that my life was pretty miserable: I was unhappy and I was decaying rapidly. For the first time since before the gun incident, I had to think of just me. Mama seemed to have accepted both her existence with this menacing man that I called Daddy, and her existence in this stagnant town that I called home. I, on the other hand, could take no more. Something had to give.

I decided to talk to Mama and try to persuade her to leave with me. But first, I called my uncle in Chicago and asked him to help me look for a job. He complied by saying that NOW he was coming to get me within the week. I had to step into action. Here was a chance for me to make a new start.

I told Mama that I was leaving and wished that she would come too. To my surprise, she wished me well but said that she had chosen her life there. "For better or for worse" she was staying with her man. I was shocked, how could someone deliberately choose grief and strife or perhaps even death over happiness and peace and life? I didn't argue

with her, I just knew that for my own health and sanity, I had to get away from that place.

continued from Aug./Sept. issue

uncle came.

The days seemed like years, but finally my For a I was overcome with joy. fleeting moment, I felt something that I had not felt (and would not feel again for a long while) a taste of FREEDOM. As quickly as the feeling came, it went: I knew for many reasons that I was not free yet.

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After arriving in Chicago, I began an earnest search for a job (in my field of study) and I for freedom: both proved hard to find. stayed with my uncle and his wife while I looked for work. Although I was surrounded by family members and constantly kept aware of their daily was problems, I lonely. longed for someone that I could talk to; someone that would listen to me.

I

То escape becoming further involved in my family's problems, I took two daring steps: I moved into my own apartment and I became more active in the church. Having my own place proved beneficial for my emotional growth. But increasing my activities in the church was another matter.

were

I soon found a church that seemed to possess all of the attributes that I was looking for. I began to nestle in and to feel at home. Soon, however, I began to notice some very big discrepancies. First of all, the church was totally male-dominated: women treated as second-class citizens. Now if I was going to obtain any type of freedom (i.e. spiritual, physical or emotional), I could not do it by seeing myself as not equal to I soon began to see as the Bible patriarchal book: there were of plenty heroes, but very few heroines.

men.

a

Secondly, the church placed many restrictions upon its members: dressing properly,

no

drinking or smoking, no hair cuts for women, no movies and basically no thinking. But no matter how hard I tried not to, I began to think of what was happening and to rationalize the consequences upon my life. I wanted my hair cut, I wanted to dress comfortably; I wanted an occasional drink; I wanted to go to the movies. I began to realize that the church was another form of enslavement. I had fallen into another trap first my family, now the church.

After two months I found a job as a molecular biologist. It was here that I was introduced to the beauty and magic of research.

a

My life was falling apart, but my job was joy. It was about this time that I had another clash with my sexual identity.

Lee was the editorial secretary in Our building. Because I had to deal with her a lot, we became friendly. We had similar interests and quite naturally, began to go places together. I found that I was drawn to Lee. She was the first "free spirit" that I had ever met.

(Continued on p. 8)

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